I can think of no other way to describe submissiveness then trust. Undying, devotional, deep, unconditional trust. Trust so deep it runs like an ocean, and brings tears to my eyes.
Before I became his submissive, I thought we had trust. I saw trust as knowing he was faithful, he loved me, and that we would be happily married until death do us part; or longer, if our beliefs turn out to be true. Now, I know I was wrong in that definition of trust.
True trust is much, much bigger.
To describe it, I can only think to juxtapose my before and my now. I must admit though, my now self (minnie) is somewhat judgemental of the old me. She feels very separate and quite distant from minnie. (You can read more about that here.)
Before, I kept secrets. Emotional secrets, as I call them now. If I was upset, I would commonly shut down. Possibly, it would just be the silent treatment, and I would say nothing, but more often I just didn’t fully admit how I felt. More specifically, I didn’t recognize the deeper emotions inside me. I didn’t know I was keeping secrets. I have always been a person who wore my emotions on my sleeve, so to say my husband (or anyone in the world) didn’t know how I felt would be wrong. I prided myself off of being honest and open. However, the emotions I felt and showed on the outside were a lie. A lie I told myself.
These secrets led to a lot of anger. Anger that didn’t go away, even when I was happy. It existed inside me, part of my private self. It was intrical to the private self I felt I had to be. The self I maintained in order to be a strong, independent woman, who was in control of her world – what a good, confident woman was supposed to be. My anger was not visible or alienating to others, but rather, it existed in a subtle way that I myself didn’t see until I became submissive. (Not to say large, angry outbursts weren’t part of my personality, nor the desire to fight to the bitter end in order to be right. Those were also absolutely part of me. 🙂 But that’s not the anger I am talking about.)
The best way I can think to describe the difference – which is hard for me touch on because it is gone from me now, a distant memory – is to recall a day when I thought Master was telling me he didn’t want D/s anymore.
The day before we had a terrible argument, the ‘trainwreck’ we affectionately call it now. It was a worst case scenario of D/s gone bad between us. (That story is for another day, another post.) In recovering from this argument I misunderstood him, and believed he didn’t want this anymore. I obliged to discontinue, due to his very visible breakdown and the love I have for him, but the next morning I woke up angry and I didn’t know why. I didn’t even identify the anger until I had gotten to work. I wasn’t angry that Master wanted to leave D/s, I trusted and understood his position; the ‘trainwreck’ was pretty bad. I also believed in and felt his love and support, I wasn’t mad at him. I had simply slipped back into my old self, my old habits, my vanilla self.
That morning, we didn’t complete our morning ritual, which deepened the separation in me, pulling minnie away. I went into “business mode,” as I would have called it before. Now, however, I recognize that as someone who had to be in control, someone who had to be right, someone who fought for everything, who desired perfection. I did not, in that morning, understand my anger, know where it was coming from, nor even fully understood that it was there. I journaled off and on through the morning, trying to work through my feelings, letting it run its course. I had enough of minnie left in me to know I wasn’t happy in this state. As I did this, I became minnie again, and I realized that was just who I was before. I was like that ALL THE TIME!! I was honestly shocked at myself. The stress, the anxiety. No wonder I questioned myself, my value, my purpose and direction. I had set up impossible expectations for myself and everyone around me. Not a soul in the world could have attained the perfection I had decided was the base minimum. Of course I was angry! I was always a failure. Everyone around me was a failure. My standards were literally impossible.
I am sure I seemed happy and normal to those around me. I would have told you I was happy, and I would have believed it. It wasn’t until I became minnie, my Master’s submissive, that I realized I wasn’t. When I think back to my old internal dialog, the way I questioned my purpose in life, my direction, my beauty, even my own self-value, it seems destructive at best.
As Master’s submissive, as minnie, I gave up the control I felt I had to have. I can instead live – in trust – as a submissive. As a submissive, I do not need to be in charge. I do not need to strive for perfection. In trust, I know I am enough for him. I know I am meeting his needs, and am doing what he needs of me. I know I am worthy, because he takes me, he accepts me, he owns me of his own free will. He has taken me as I am. I no longer question my purpose, my value. I do not even question my own beauty.
I could not have attained this if I did not submit to him, which I could not have done if I did not first trust him. I trust in his leadership, in his control over me, in his dominance, and intentions. I submit to him fully, not only in my actions, but in my emotions. I surprise myself at the deepness I feel, at the deepness in myself that I am now suddenly aware of, and at the depth I am able to share with him. It is deeper than my wildest dreams. It is a deepness I did not know could exist.
And it all based off trust. A trust so deep, I feel engulfed by it. I am it.
I am minnie. I am His submissive.