Crying has become something new to me.
Once upon a time, crying meant I was a victim. This is the typical crying you’ve all heard about; the you-hurt-my-feelings-and-now-I’m-upset crying. Sometimes there’s angry crying, which comes from the same place – a wrong done to you that must be rectified. This is crying that everyone goes through. You have a fight, and before too long someone is crying. (me waving sheepishly).
I am a strong person. I have always been a strong person, and I have never been, nor will I ever consider myself a crier. But it certainly happened from time to time. What I’m really talking about here is the cycle of crying represented in our culture and media. It is an expectation in our typical vanilla relationships. We even consider it to be a human norm. I think, in actuality, it can be destructive.
As a sub, my eyes were opened to the negative cycle it created. It turned me a into victim, and my husband into a problem. That type of crying demanded not only a response, but also a fix. “You’ve hurt me, now you fix me!” The problem person would have to apologize, or make amends before the issue was put to bed. It required forgiveness, which meant someone was to blame, and someone was a victim. That mindset was created not through his hurtful act, but through the way I handled my emotions. Worse yet, any solution only made it worse. Whether he apologizes, or you bury it, you have validated the cycle and given the mindset permission to exist. While you may think you’ve moved on, you’ve really created a continuing definition for you both. I see now the selfishness in that. (As with every cycle, it’s two ways. But my place is only to analyze my role, not his.)
You may, at this point, be thinking you aren’t supposed to cry, or to apologize. That would be the wrong interpretation. What I am saying is that crying doesn’t have to mean that.
Being in a place of trust as a submissive has pulled me out of that cycle forever. As a submissive, I am giving an immense amount of trust over to my Dom. When I cry now, it is different. It is a release. It is that I am feeling something so strong, so incredibly strong, that it simply falls right out of me. And I cry.
I may cry because I’m happy, I’m tired, I’m overwhelmed. Or even from ecstasy. However, the act of crying does not mean I need to be fixed, or that I am casting blame. It does not mean I want an action from someone else, including my Dom. And that is the difference.
Rather, I am being me. I am releasing myself, my emotions. I am no longer a victim because I am not waiting for (or wanting) someone else to correct a wrong I feel they have brought upon me. I do not need to be fixed.
The tears are, in fact, the fix, the expression.