I signed up for Kayla Lords (free!) 30 days of D/s. It’s designed to help you gain a “better understanding of what you want and need in your D/s relationship.” It is also available as a workbook. This is day 1, and the topic is Dominance – specifically what kind of a person is a Dominant; their traits and behavior.
I have to admit this email has sat in my inbox for 8 days (EIGHT DAYS!!!), as each successive email dammed up against it. When I tried to ask myself how a Dominant behaved my mind immediately went how I felt under my Dom, in his presence, captivated by his control over me. That isn’t, however, this prompt. Eventually, two emanating aspects stayed in my mind; control and leadership.
Discussing what it is to be a Dom without addressing their role as a leader would be a great oversight. My Master leads me and leads our family. He commands a room, draws heads, and gains respect out of that leadership. When thinking about being a leader, there are many important aspects to consider; seeing strengths in others and using those strengths, delegation of responsibility, identifying existing or potential problems, and having the capability to deal with those problems. However, being a Dom is more.
Control is then heralded in. A Dom can bend you over his knee, and leave you shamelessly begging to do it again. A Dom creates a net of safety, a bubble of security. A Dom guides you, pushes you, and takes responsibility for you. Taking responsibility for another human being is HUGE! You must consider their future, their long-term goals, their personality, their needs, and the many ways a person can be their own worst enemy. Not to mention their daily emotional, mental, and physical needs. A Dom must be decisive, and approach their sub with love, respect, and trust in their heart and intentions, using that as the root of their control.
When I brought this question to Mr.R, my Dom, he was able to broaden my thinking, and identify things I expected out of him and his role, but hadn’t realized. Number one on that list was listening. Listening is also an aspect of many other roles, including being a leader and being in any relationship, but a Dom’s requirement to listen is heavier. A Dom must hear things that aren’t said aloud.
I’m not talking about being a mind reader. Nice idea, but impossible. It is still the responsibility of the sub to communicate her (his/their) needs. However, there are things a Dom must hear that aren’t vocalized, things that are communicated through body language and facial expressions, simple movements, actions or choices that let a Dom know how their sub is feeling; where they are mentally, emotionally, and possibly even spiritually. A Dom must pay attention to these things, and use them to make decisions, maintain control, and direct their sub.
Most importantly of all, when looking at the role, one must acknowledge that the position of being a Dom is cycladic. It is an honor. It is a position of great respect that is not to be taken lightly, and is bestowed upon those deserving. It is a gift from their submissive, and it is earned.
I do not believe one is born being a Dom. It is something anyone can grow into. We all have the ability to wield power, to be a leader, and to make effective decisions. Some will naturally fall into this role quickly and easily, but like everything else, it requires environment and encouragement to bring it out. This is true for any talent. A natural painter, for example, will never blossom into their capability without being given paints. Also like art, it must be practiced. Moving into any role, including that of a Dom (or sub), must be practiced. Mistakes will be made, romanticized ideals torn down, realities enveloped, and a rhythm acquired before it will feel natural.