This 30 days post is about bringing D/s into your vanilla life. I didn’t find this email list until well after Mr.R and I were into D/s, so I thought I’d use this opportunity to tell more about how we came into D/s.
Our D/s started with me. I invited Mr.R into D/s, after struggling with my emotions over it for longer then I am fully aware. I think I have always been a little bit submissive, but was stuck in a role and behavior trait where I felt I had to be in control all the time due to both the representation of women in the media and my past.
My early life is full of a lot of very big life lessons. Saying I had to become an adult as a teenager is an understatement. I had to fight for everything I ever had, ever was. I learned very early on that if I didn’t stand up and fight for myself, I would be trampled. This lesson was true for every aspect of myself, right down to my very existence.
Those lessons defined me for many years, and fighting became a way of life for me. A way of thinking.
As time passed, my life became more secure, and I enjoyed some of the privileges I saw so many others born with and live in. However, my need to fight and defend myself didn’t stop. At this time in my life I had entered into a pretty serious feminist subculture, and I became quite the political activist. My role there, while hugely important, would never have allowed me to be submissive, and pushed me even further from it. In fact, many of the hangups I had to overcome in order to embrace my submissive side, I built up while in this subculture of supportive, feminist women. (Somewhere in the back of my mind I am brewing a post addressing the dualities of my feminism and my submissiveness. They can exist together, but can also be toxic together. However, that is not for here.)
Step ahead another decade, and you will find me submissive and happy. The fighter in me has calmed down, and is a virtual stranger to me. She’s just a lady I might pass in the grocery store, and not someone I want to go back to. However, this was no small feat for me. (This is not to say that I am not an absolute warrior in my everyday life. I am. I am Wonder Woman, in fact. There is currently multiple shirts in our bedroom that prove it. I also see my submissiveness as a sign of great strength, and I would quickly pull down anyone who would argue otherwise. However, again, this isn’t that story.)
It took me many years to accept that I didn’t have to be battle ready, that I didn’t have to be in control of everything. That my secret need to submit control, to accept help, guidance, and the leadership of my husband was not a weakness, and did not need to be a secret. I very much wanted to be submissive, even though I didn’t understand what that was. My former ignorance here astounds me sometimes. I had no idea of the community, the entire world built around submissiveness. Had I known, I may have found it sooner. I just knew I needed to feel that power exchange, that I wanted to be submissive. There were even times when I gave away control when I shouldn’t have. I say I shouldn’t have because it was not a fully informed consent of a power exchange for both me and my husband. However, now I recognize that I just wanted someone to take control over me, and needed to feel that power.
Since Mr.R and I have become 24/7, our relationship has grown in ways that I did not expect. It feels like an intricate and wide web, pushing out and expanding in every direction. Our respect and appreciation for each other has grown. Our love for one another has grown. These were all things neither of us would have thought were possible. We had a fabulous relationship, were immensely happy, communicated openly and frequently, and saw nothing but absolute joy in our futures. To have Domination and submission push us beyond that was never something we could fathom.
I liken it to having a baby. You can’t possibly understand the overwhelming joy of having a child, the new kind of love you experience, until you have been touched by that little soul. When you hold your new child, when you feel that love for the first time – that’s when you understand what it is.
Bringing Domination and submission into your relationship is like that. Until you have adopted that dynamic, you cannot possibly understand what it will do for you. It was because of this ignorance that Mr.R and I could not have known what we were agreeing to.
For Mr.R, he had to agree to to being my Dom 3 times.
The first time, we were laying in bed. I had been having the most incredible week, as I had written Mr.R an ‘invitational fantasy’ that he happily engaged in with me. In this fantasy (that we lived out for a week), I was sexually submissive, including being sexually available and giving him control and ownership over my orgasms. It was purely kink related, but I quickly fell into a submissive headspace that stayed with me 24/7. I loved it. When it was over, I almost cried. I didn’t want to leave it. That was when I finally broke down and asked him to be my Dom. I told him then I wanted to move into a 24/7 power exchange. In retrospect, I see the ignorance I held at the time, but my sentiment was true, my consent and desire were real. That was the first time Mr.R agreed to this lifestyle with me. He did it for me, seeing how much I wanted it, how much I needed it. It was a surface agreement, the thing you do to be a good husband. I’m not sure when he agreed that it was an informed agreement, informed consent to the power exchange.
The second time Mr.R agreed to being my Dom was in the yard. It was a beautiful day outside, and we were trying to soak up some much needed sunshine. Hard to find in the Pacific NorthWest. We sun hopped from warm spot to warm spot, talking all along the way. There was an awkwardness between us that didn’t usually live there. While Mr.R hadn’t said he didn’t want to be my Dom anymore, I could feel him pulling back. He was beginning to see the role differently then he first had, and wasn’t sure it was what he agreed to. I think some part of him thought it would fade away. At one point I broke down, and kneeled in front of him for so long I could no longer feel my legs. I talked and talked, trying desperately to get him to see the difference in me. I wanted him to understand how it changed me, how much better of a person I was, how I could finally be myself, and the person everyone expected me to be. He agreed a second time to be my Dom. This time he agreed for me.
The third time Mr.R agreed to be my Dom was a couple days later. We met after work and went into town. I moved into the passenger seat when he arrived, and let him drive. An act of submission. Prior to this, he had done some research on his own, and began to understand the power play more. He now saw his role more fully, saw how he would have to become a different person himself. This time, he asked me if I wanted to be his sub. This time, he agreed to be my Dom for himself. This was when we really became D/s.
There were trials and errors after this, ups and downs. We made mistakes, we tried out different roles. But, we’re also fast learners. Since then we hit a groove, and it feels second nature to us now. Now, we couldn’t imagine our life any other way, and those early days seem like ancient history.