We are about to rewrite our rules. There’s not necessarily anything wrong with the ones we have, except they haven’t been updated in a while. The 14th topic for Loving BDSM’s 30 Days is rules, so it seems the perfect time to bring it up.
Our rules have always been a work in progress. Or, more accurately, they stay in a state of flux. If a rule doesn’t work as we originally intended, or we decide one more is needed, we immediately (re)write it up and add it to the list. So, needless to say, our rules have been modified several times. When we do this, it is always out of a need, and generally arises from an event; good or bad. Usually, it is me who initiates the conversation or requests to change the rules. However, it is always Master who makes the final decision on whether the rule is valid, how it works, and what the parameters are.
One example of that is my chores. I wanted a list of exactly what my chores were, what I am specifically required to do for him. I work a full-time job, in addition to kids, family obligations, this blog, plus random tasks and just, well life. For several weeks straight I was working dawn to dusk. The only time I rested – even for a few minutes – was when Mr.R noticed I was overworked and exhausted, and he told me to take the evening off and do nothing. That’s when I realized I was assigning myself all sorts of extra duties under the belief I was being submissive to him. In fact, I was overworking myself, the opposite of being submissive to him. He didn’t ask me to do all those chores. He had no desire for me to feel overworked, and could not have possibly cared less how many dust-bunnies were under the bed. I was overworking myself. So, I asked Master for a list of chores. He told me what they were, and I asked clarifying questions while typing them into our google doc, where they still live.
That list probably won’t change. However, we have verbally added a couple new rules, but haven’t got them into the document yet. We also have several rules that have become habit, and could be removed. More likely, we’ll bump them down to a list of general expectations or norms. This is due to my personality. If we take them off completely, I will instantly question whether or not I actually have to do them, and completely disagree with being held accountable for them. This conversation would happen entirely in my head until I’ve worked myself into a dither and have to request rug time just to sort myself out. So, they stay on the list, just as norms, not rules.
When we first wrote our rules they required quite a bit of focus and effort for me to follow them. I had to learn whole new habits, particularly in the morning before leaving to work. Since they’ve become habit, this isn’t the case anymore. As we move into our next rule rewrite, I’m ready to heighten the focus again, and push myself further. I am ready for rules that are there for the purpose of maintenance beyond the house, respect, or general treatment of each other. I’m ready for rules that require more of my energy, focus and effort to follow.
We have also begun adding discipline to our dynamic, mostly in a corrective way, and I’d like to formally add that to our rules. Honestly, I’m ready for actual punishment. It scared me at first, but now I see it would really just be holding me accountable to a higher standard, which definitely suits my personality. 🙂