I was rummaging around over at Rebel’s Notes, and rather enjoying my reading when I came across her most recent post. It was a response to the following question.
What have you done sexually, that you would never do again?
I’m not sure where she got this prompt, and it’s not the kind of soul opening thing I usually write to, but something about this one spoke to me. Probably before I even saw this question, the answer was already rattling around in my head like a confession waiting to be spit out. However, the thing I would never do again is not a single, physical act, but rather an expectation, a mind set. Specifically, it is the expectation of always having an orgasm with sex, or even expecting it as the pinnacle or goal of sex.
It is actually more then that. It is to create an expectation – any expectation – during sex. To be open, to let the moment lead you, to submit to the moment for its value, whether you are submissive or not, even if that moment NEVER leads to an orgasm, NEVER leads to edging, NEVER leads to any fantasy you ever had, is by far more fulfilling. I am quite sure that this does not include submissives only. Even a Top has to be able to make adjustments that may fuck with their plan based off their bottom’s responses. Expectations can mess this up.
I use to have a really big expectation; that I should cum, every time we had sex. He did. Why shouldn’t I? I would like to say it didn’t include the idea of waiting for the orgasm to be ‘brought’ to me, but I’m not so sure that was true. Many, many years ago, when I held this expectation, I certainly would have said that I was a self-engaged partner who did just as much for my own sex life, if not more, then my partner, and I was in no way waiting around for the orgasm to be ‘brought’ to me. I could bring it myself. However, when I look back I don’t totally agree. I’m not even sure the submissive side of me would have totally allowed this.
It has been many years since I carried the idea around that an orgasm should be the goal, but I remember my husband (this was before D/s of course) and I having some very stressful miscommunications around this subject. It placed a lot of inadvertent stress on both of us, but I feel the most guilty about the stress it placed on him. I had also locked most of my sexual desires away somewhere in the back of my head, mostly due to mainstream media and overly feministic views telling what should turn me on, and what I should get out of sex. But that’s a different story…
Now, I could care less about being sure I have an orgasm every time. In fact, it’s not even a goal of mine. There are even times when I don’t want one – at all. There, I said it. Go ahead, be shocked. I know it’s like not liking chocolate or puppies. (But I don’t like puppies either. Yup, I said that too. It’s all coming out today! :P) I am not even sure it is natural for me to always orgasm, every single time. Fantasies aside. However, I also fantasize about not orgasming.
I actually have this fantasy of being made to beg, and still being told no. Sometimes not getting what I want, is exactly what I want. This is similar to edging, but not exactly the same.
With edging, the goal is still to orgasm … eventually. It’s just that you spend some amount of time, possibly a defined amount of time (hours, days, weeks…), getting right to the edge of an orgasm before being made to stop. It builds sexual tension, desire. I love to edge, especially for days at a time. When I do finally cum, it is always super intense. This is what edging is; you aren’t being told no as much as you’re being told to wait for something better.
Being told no is more objectifying. In this role, you are there to please your Dom, and only them. Your own sexual desire and tension is still there, but it doesn’t matter. It is inconsequential, insignificant. Instead of knowing you will cum later, you don’t know. You have no idea if you will cum at all – it isn’t part of the deal. What matters is whether you have performed your job at pleasing your Dom, whether you have done what they wanted, how they wanted it, and where and when they wanted it. You are most literally, the fuck toy.
This is what I think about when I fantasize about being told no. Being my Master’s fuck toy. Him doing what he wants to me, with me, telling me how to perform, making me want him in such a way that I am in a state of total frenzy. Being told to get on my knees and beg for it, to show him how much I want him to fuck me, and then him telling me no anyway.
Ultimately, my orgasms belong to my Master. He decides when, where, and how to dish them out. He likes to watch me cum. So I do. But it is my lack of expectation in the experience that set me free.