Is there any good to be found in a frenzy?

30 Days of D/s by Loving BDSM and Kayla Lords

Sub frenzy - Sub-frenzy, or submissive frenzy, is a term applied to newcomers to the kink and BDSM scene who experience a frenzy or rush to experience all the things kink has to offer sometimes bypassing common sense or good judgment to do so. (kinkly.com)

When I saw this topic, I said to myself that I had never, and would never experience sub-frenzy. Mr.R and I had been together 2 decades before we moved into D/s 24/7. BDSM kink was part of our sex lives from the beginning. It was just natural to us, not something we even thought about. Sub frenzy, I thought, was for people who were new to the entire life, probably single, someone who was desperate, and with a new Dom or Top that didn’t understand their bottom’s personal intricacies and limits. How could that happen between us; we had too much love, trust and communication for that to even be possible?!?

Boy, was I wrong.

When Mr.R and I started full-time D/s we threw it all in, and it all happened way too fast. Sex wasn’t part of it. This might sound unbelievable, but it just wasn’t. Not to say that being submissive wasn’t a major turn on for me, it was. It still is. In the beginning, I was hot pretty much all the time, but that was more of a side-effect then the actual power exchange we were making.

The beginning of my submissiveness was actually about the day-to-day workings of a power exchange. We did everything right. It started slow enough with small acts of service. We talked about it A LOT. We had many discussions, talked about rules, did research online, read tons. We talked so much my brain literally quit at the end of the day. After a month or so we took a weekend away together. It was our first weekend as a D/s couple, and we took our new roles out for a test-spin.

At the end, on our way home, we had a monumental fight. It was so monumental we even named the fight The Train Wreck, aptly so. It was miserable. Nothing seemed to bring us out of it, none of our old techniques, no matter how hard we tried. The ride home in the car was silent and miserable. We didn’t fully recover for a few days.

What happened in between was definitely hard-core frenzy. I don’t think it could be labeled solely as sub-frenzy, and I am sure Mr.R would agree with me that it went two ways. We both got into a frenzy. The power play tipped over, and we lost ourselves. I was pushing myself too hard, too much, to do and be absolutely everything for him, running myself ragged. I also set myself into a place of submissiveness where I began to feel I wasn’t important. On the other side, Mr.R knew my personal strength, my strong will, and saw me as a beast he had to tame. We both messed up, hard core, and it all came out in dramatic, explosive ways.

Once I beat myself up, loosing sleep and crying all night long, because I walked through a door someone else opened for me instead of him. I wasn’t allowed to interrupt him, and didn’t know how to have a conversation otherwise, so I kept my mouth shut, feeling like my voice and opinion wasn’t important. I stopped relating or talking with people in the vanilla world (outside of family) because it was his job to order for me and pay for things, so I stood quietly with my head down, feeling disconnected from the world. And somehow in all our D/s conversations, I never found it important to bring these things up.

I could go on with all the mistakes we made, but I think you get the picture. It was all a complete bypass of good judgement. In no way were either of us thinking about the long term health and happiness of ourselves, each other, or our marriage. We both lost ourselves into the power play, lines blurred, and frenzy ensued. The fight that followed leveled us both.

However, I don’t regret any of it.

Having the fight, and then slowly pulling ourselves back, was, I think, the only way for us to go forward. I am a strong believer in cycles, in equal and opposite reactions. To create something new, you must destroy something old. A transition is often a period of great upheaval and chaos. I think this period of frenzy, the following Train Wreck, the overall chaos and stress was our transition into something new and better. It was a necessary act of destruction in order to have a positive creation; the labor before the birth. We came out on the other side feeling balanced and whole as a D/s couple. We understand a lot more about the balance of power between us, where the lines lie, how to be ourselves and how to encourage each other to be who they are inside these roles. We’ve learned to feed ourselves and our relationship with the power dynamic, and to not be ruled by it.

Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s

12 thoughts on “Is there any good to be found in a frenzy?

  1. Oh boy this takes me back, and I remember the first year or so as being pretty frenzied. It was fun, but risky unsustainable and very emotive! I was so distracted too, goodness knows how I got stuff done lol, thanks for sharing! x

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Sub-frenzy can definitely include anxiety, irritability, and a host of other things. The fervor can lead to exhaustion which is coupled with endorphins rushes/withdrawals. It all plays havoc with our emotions and can explain the Train Wreck. It’s great you found this to be a transitional phase to a better place. That speaks volumes for your relationship.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Sub-frenzy isn’t always a blissful high. It can definitely include anxiety, irritability, and a host of other things. The fervor can lead to exhaustion which is coupled with endorphins rushes/withdrawals. It all plays havoc with our emotions and can explain the Train Wreck. It’s great you found this to be a transitional phase to a better place. That speaks volumes for your relationship.

    Liked by 2 people

      1. odd it posted twice? The first time I got an error and it didn’t show up, so I did it again. And now there are two comments! Oh well, technology!

        Like

  4. I wasn’t going to write about sub-frenzy, but this post made me think. It’s sort of like being in any new relationship, we tend to get a bit obsessed at first, which is natural, and then settle in to what works. I agree that transitions can be messy and sometimes need to be to create real change.

    Liked by 1 person

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