Stuck in a rabbit hole?

My mom and sisters have been visiting all week. It’s been a great treat, especially since they are flying in from across the country. It has given me the family connection I needed after moving two states away. They do not, however, know who I really am, minnie. They know my vanilla self, the child I was growing up, the young adult I became. They know the old me. They would not recognize minnie at all, even when she is standing right in front of them.

The new me is a whole different person. As minnie, I am a submissive first and foremost. I am still mother, professional, sister, friend – though those things tend to pull me away from being my true self. As my true self I focus on my Master. I think of myself as first his fuck toy, second his servant. Third in line would be a dedication to myself – something my Master requires I do. This might sound demeaning to some, but it is not. It might also sound intensely sexual and kinky, especially being his ‘fuck toy,’ though that is also not true, not the whole meaning of it. To really understand the full meaning of who I am, I think you would have to go back to the beginning of our D/s and understand our dynamic.

But let’s not be crazy here. Our kink is important to our dynamic, and I would not try to lie by claiming that my submissive life has nothing to do with kink. I am sexually available and submissive to my Master at all times. My submissive life holds a lot of kink, but that is not why I am here. It is not why we moved into 24/7 D/s. I know for some it is, and there is a myriad of really positive reasons for that; they want to build their kinky life up, or are touched by something in their kinky self, and love its grasp, or are learning to appreciate their bodies in sensation, appearance or otherwise. I moved into 24/7 D/s for a lot of other reasons, none of which were kinky. In all honesty, that’s probably because we were already so naturally kinky. ;P Sex has always been a big part of everything we do, and so it still is. As such, sex is a foundational pillar of our dynamic, even if it wasn’t the original motivation.

My original motivation had to do with me, who I became, who I wanted to be. Since then, I have received not only that, but something so much richer, including a Dom who I have a fear and respect for that I can not do without. It is this other side of who I am, who he is, who we are, that I love the most. I am really proud of it. I am proud of who we are, who we have become, proud of our dynamic, and the direction it is headed in. It takes a lot of work. It is not easy to be submissive all the time. I have to put forth a great deal of effort, and maintain conscious thought of my actions, my words, my emotions. I have to control myself. And if you knew my vanilla self, you would know that is not my natural state of being. It is who I am learning to be, and it is hard work.

It’s not my place to speak for my Master, but I imagine his job – his journey – has been just as difficult as mine. When you are involved in a power exchange, you must have a focus on the power that is at play. How do your actions affect the other person? Are you feeding that power, or diminishing it? Are you serving your purpose? I could write a whole other post just on this, and may soon, but know it takes a constant, conscious effort to be a member of a relationship with a power dynamic, regardless of your role. However, it is a great effort that pays you in leaps and bounds.

It is also something I am immensely happy with and proud of. So proud, I find myself bubbling over at times. I wish I could share with the world, broadcast it across my chest. (Perhaps while nude, written in large letters on my boobs… Ha ha, jk.)

Seriously though, the rest of the world, the vanilla world, does not understand. Look at Tumbler, for example, they shut down what was a body-positive sex community, while allowing white supremacy and hatred to continue freely. Their example is just a drop in the bucket. We have a culture that shames people for non-conforming bodies, or for appreciating physical sensations from within those bodies, while promoting racism and hatred. I am certainly falling down a whole different rabbit hole the further down this discussion I go, so I’m going to stop there, and get back to my point. I am sure, at least I hope, you get the idea. We all know this backwards thinking is why our kinky community lives in a large, kinky closet, and we all keep secret identities (only to be discovered when bested by google *wink to nijntje).

However, I do wish things could be different. And with my large flashy tits, broadcasting my pride to the world, I may have jumped down a rabbit hole with my vanilla sisters.

The insides of my dynamic with my Master are, in fact, somewhat visible to the outside. Since becoming submissive, I think differently, I ask different questions, and I seek answers differently. I no longer carry the weight of the world on my back, and I commonly seek my Master’s opinions and advice, and often get his approval before acting. Many times, even for small things (like should I have a cupcake or a taco for lunch 🙂 ) I ask myself which he would be proud of. I find many decisions easier that way. This bleeds over into lots of things, even parenting, and bubbles out of me in conversations. It is obvious to everyone who knows me things have slowly changed.

In my exposure and my pride, I have begun trying to explain things to my sisters. It is my youngest sister who notices the most. Her and I hang out the most and over the last ten years have become quite close, best friends even, seeing each other 6 to 12 times a year for days at a time. We have deep conversations and discuss private things openly.

In a free and open world, I would not hide my D/s from her. I would openly display it. Everything from the spine tingling way my Master holds me by the hair, to following his commands with a quick step and bowed head. We are not like that always, but at times. In this imaginary free world, I would also discuss with her our power dynamic, share that I ask his permission, the ways in which our relationship has changed, who I have become, and who we have become. Most of all I would share the new awe I have for my Master.

But how?

How do you discuss this in a free and open way in a closed world? How do I boil down who we are into small and manageable parts that are easily digested by others? I know my sister. I know she would first remind me of the feminist beliefs, and see my decisions as weak. She would question many things, my entire life. Her lack of understanding could possibly alienate her.

So far, I have told her we have a new way of arranging the responsibilities of our marriage, that we divide tasks, and that it requires great trust. I have told her one of the deals in this division is to not question the other one, but to trust that they are making the best decision. When she pressed further, hungry for more, even wanting this for herself and her husband, she asked what happens if the job isn’t done.

Punishment, I exclaimed! And then I was in a rabbit hole. Ahhh, fuck. How do I get out of this one? I did manage to tell her I get pretty things. Thank God she didn’t ask how I get punished. I don’t think she’d like to know about spankings, or impact play. She still lets her 7-year-old sleep in their marital bed, and takes him on their anniversary trips. I don’t think sex is an important part of their relationship, not like it is in ours. She would never understand the fullness of our dynamic. She would laugh, mostly from her inability to reason it out, and doubt. She would try.

The conversation will be coming back. I know it will. It will with her, it will with me as my pride continues to bubble up.

What do I say to her? What do I explain? What do I leave out? How do I boil a very complex, power-exchange dynamic down into only its strengths, soundly and make it sound safe – sane – vanilla?

10 thoughts on “Stuck in a rabbit hole?

  1. The safety is easy to explain I think. It’s consensual and you have a safe word. Mention that word and everything stops. And as she loves you, she should understand that something that makes you happy and fulfilled can’t be bad. It must be good.

    1. I just noticed that in my reader our posts are next to each other. It’s ironic that we have both used the words “Rabbit Hole” in our titles. Just an odd coincidence!

  2. Personally i have never found the need to discuss my kink but that doesn’t mean that everyone doesn’t know we are ‘different’. We always have been although we did veer from that for a bit but that’s another story. LoL

    I have always spoken about trust, respect and manners! Manners is a big one and one that is missing in many marriages from what i have seen. If i get into a conversation about some of the things i do i always make sure to have a concrete list of things He does too, it helps others to see the balance.

    I could go on but the nuts and bolts of it is stick to the basics and leave the kink out. I would skip the idea of punishments as well unless the talk comes from a kinky perspective and simply say that life always has repercussions, i’m sure she could figure that out for herself.

    I tell people that i’m of the mindset that my spouse deserves just as much respect if not more than i would show to anyone else, i stick to my word and use my manners. He does the same for me …. normally i get told i’m very lucky by then, not that i’m letting down my fellow females! 😉

    plus ***sshhh** i don’t know what you are talking about, but you can email anytime, bounce off more specific details if you wish.

    1. Manners and respect is a great way to talk about it! You guys have all given me such great ideas and ways to discuss it.

  3. Great post! I love how you talk about your dynamic here!!! Daddy and i went public with our relationship very early on. We opted not to hide it in any context once it became clear how difficult that would be. Our pride in each other and the life we share outweighs the opinions of others. We are respectful of people and places where it’s simply not appropriate for me to call Him Daddy and seek His permission for basic things, like when we visited my 90 year old friend, but otherwise we are openly kinky and in a D/s relationship.

    Daddy and i met online and He made, what looked to His family, like a radical, sudden decision to move across country and get married. He was a confirmed bachelor before He met me. they were worried about Him. He’s the youngest in His family. So, He sat down with both of His siblings and their spouses and explained our relationship. How we met. The way we interact with each other. The power exchange itself. He left the sex out. We save that for strangers on the internet!!! lol

    Mostly, He talked to them about the respect and love we share for one another. He explained that He is my Dominant, my Daddy. He told them about our 1950’s lifestyle. He’s the provider, the protector, He guides me. He told them about the division of tasks based on a fairly classic gender norms. His brother’s wife was enthralled and wanted to know more, so He told her more about the kink dynamics surrounging my collar, being His property and a wee bit of the kink itself.

    I have found it freeing to be open about it!! As I told friends, I came across a few comments around safety, which I was quick to address, along with the feminist topic. This is one of my favorite things! I explained that I am still 100% feminist!!!! I believe that a woman has the right to be free, choose her path, earn equal pay for equal work, all of those things! I also believe that the cornerstone of feminism is a woman’s right to CHOOSE the life she wants. I have CHOSEN to be in a traditional, male dominated relationship where I am submissive to my husband. I also remind them that I entered into this knowing what I was doing, everything is agreed upon, and though I may be Daddy’s slave, I have rights and freedoms that, in my opinion, many women don’t have in the modern vanilla marriage.

    SOrry it’s so long! I can never seem to keep things short & simple. Hope this helps?

    1. This helps so much! I’m glad it was so long! Thanks for sharing.
      I know no matter what we would have to hide it in some contexts just because if our jobs. But it would be nice to be open and free like that with family.

      1. Ohhh thank you!! I always worry that I say too much. *giggles* I’m so glad that it’s helpful. ♥

        I agree that we can’t be all out there in every situation! Even if we could, I”m not sure I’d want to. Having the understanding of my friends and family are crucial. If they can’t accept this part of me then they don’t really know and accept ME. It’s kind of like being gay. I wouldn’t ask my family and friends to want to know all the details of my sex life. I would ask them to accept me as I am… and my partner and the life we share… in all that entails. It’s quite different in many ways than your average straight couple.

        Loving the person means loving ALL of them… even if it’s not the life you personally want to live. ♥

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