My mom and sisters have been visiting all week. It’s been a great treat, especially since they are flying in from across the country. It has given me the family connection I needed after moving two states away. They do not, however, know who I really am, minnie. They know my vanilla self, the child I was growing up, the young adult I became. They know the old me. They would not recognize minnie at all, even when she is standing right in front of them.
The new me is a whole different person. As minnie, I am a submissive first and foremost. I am still mother, professional, sister, friend – though those things tend to pull me away from being my true self. As my true self I focus on my Master. I think of myself as first his fuck toy, second his servant. Third in line would be a dedication to myself – something my Master requires I do. This might sound demeaning to some, but it is not. It might also sound intensely sexual and kinky, especially being his ‘fuck toy,’ though that is also not true, not the whole meaning of it. To really understand the full meaning of who I am, I think you would have to go back to the beginning of our D/s and understand our dynamic.
But let’s not be crazy here. Our kink is important to our dynamic, and I would not try to lie by claiming that my submissive life has nothing to do with kink. I am sexually available and submissive to my Master at all times. My submissive life holds a lot of kink, but that is not why I am here. It is not why we moved into 24/7 D/s. I know for some it is, and there is a myriad of really positive reasons for that; they want to build their kinky life up, or are touched by something in their kinky self, and love its grasp, or are learning to appreciate their bodies in sensation, appearance or otherwise. I moved into 24/7 D/s for a lot of other reasons, none of which were kinky. In all honesty, that’s probably because we were already so naturally kinky. ;P Sex has always been a big part of everything we do, and so it still is. As such, sex is a foundational pillar of our dynamic, even if it wasn’t the original motivation.
My original motivation had to do with me, who I became, who I wanted to be. Since then, I have received not only that, but something so much richer, including a Dom who I have a fear and respect for that I can not do without. It is this other side of who I am, who he is, who we are, that I love the most. I am really proud of it. I am proud of who we are, who we have become, proud of our dynamic, and the direction it is headed in. It takes a lot of work. It is not easy to be submissive all the time. I have to put forth a great deal of effort, and maintain conscious thought of my actions, my words, my emotions. I have to control myself. And if you knew my vanilla self, you would know that is not my natural state of being. It is who I am learning to be, and it is hard work.
It’s not my place to speak for my Master, but I imagine his job – his journey – has been just as difficult as mine. When you are involved in a power exchange, you must have a focus on the power that is at play. How do your actions affect the other person? Are you feeding that power, or diminishing it? Are you serving your purpose? I could write a whole other post just on this, and may soon, but know it takes a constant, conscious effort to be a member of a relationship with a power dynamic, regardless of your role. However, it is a great effort that pays you in leaps and bounds.
It is also something I am immensely happy with and proud of. So proud, I find myself bubbling over at times. I wish I could share with the world, broadcast it across my chest. (Perhaps while nude, written in large letters on my boobs… Ha ha, jk.)
Seriously though, the rest of the world, the vanilla world, does not understand. Look at Tumbler, for example, they shut down what was a body-positive sex community, while allowing white supremacy and hatred to continue freely. Their example is just a drop in the bucket. We have a culture that shames people for non-conforming bodies, or for appreciating physical sensations from within those bodies, while promoting racism and hatred. I am certainly falling down a whole different rabbit hole the further down this discussion I go, so I’m going to stop there, and get back to my point. I am sure, at least I hope, you get the idea. We all know this backwards thinking is why our kinky community lives in a large, kinky closet, and we all keep secret identities (only to be discovered when bested by google *wink to nijntje).
However, I do wish things could be different. And with my large flashy tits, broadcasting my pride to the world, I may have jumped down a rabbit hole with my vanilla sisters.
The insides of my dynamic with my Master are, in fact, somewhat visible to the outside. Since becoming submissive, I think differently, I ask different questions, and I seek answers differently. I no longer carry the weight of the world on my back, and I commonly seek my Master’s opinions and advice, and often get his approval before acting. Many times, even for small things (like should I have a cupcake or a taco for lunch 🙂 ) I ask myself which he would be proud of. I find many decisions easier that way. This bleeds over into lots of things, even parenting, and bubbles out of me in conversations. It is obvious to everyone who knows me things have slowly changed.
In my exposure and my pride, I have begun trying to explain things to my sisters. It is my youngest sister who notices the most. Her and I hang out the most and over the last ten years have become quite close, best friends even, seeing each other 6 to 12 times a year for days at a time. We have deep conversations and discuss private things openly.
In a free and open world, I would not hide my D/s from her. I would openly display it. Everything from the spine tingling way my Master holds me by the hair, to following his commands with a quick step and bowed head. We are not like that always, but at times. In this imaginary free world, I would also discuss with her our power dynamic, share that I ask his permission, the ways in which our relationship has changed, who I have become, and who we have become. Most of all I would share the new awe I have for my Master.
How do you discuss this in a free and open way in a closed world? How do I boil down who we are into small and manageable parts that are easily digested by others? I know my sister. I know she would first remind me of the feminist beliefs, and see my decisions as weak. She would question many things, my entire life. Her lack of understanding could possibly alienate her.
So far, I have told her we have a new way of arranging the responsibilities of our marriage, that we divide tasks, and that it requires great trust. I have told her one of the deals in this division is to not question the other one, but to trust that they are making the best decision. When she pressed further, hungry for more, even wanting this for herself and her husband, she asked what happens if the job isn’t done.
Punishment, I exclaimed! And then I was in a rabbit hole. Ahhh, fuck. How do I get out of this one? I did manage to tell her I get pretty things. Thank God she didn’t ask how I get punished. I don’t think she’d like to know about spankings, or impact play. She still lets her 7-year-old sleep in their marital bed, and takes him on their anniversary trips. I don’t think sex is an important part of their relationship, not like it is in ours. She would never understand the fullness of our dynamic. She would laugh, mostly from her inability to reason it out, and doubt. She would try.
The conversation will be coming back. I know it will. It will with her, it will with me as my pride continues to bubble up.
What do I say to her? What do I explain? What do I leave out? How do I boil a very complex, power-exchange dynamic down into only its strengths, soundly and make it sound safe – sane – vanilla?