This summer has been weird, confusing. I wish I could say our new life is shaping up to be exactly what we wanted, exactly what we thought it would be, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. The last two months feels like a lifetime’s worth of choices. To make a long story short, we quit the jobs we came to do within a week. It would have killed Master to stay any longer. I’ve seen him through many very big things in our 20+ years, but I’ve never seen him so depressed and stressed before. It was the right decision to leave as quickly as possible.
But now what?
We have been making what we have fondly come to refer to as our 17+ hour commute, driving back and forth between where we use to live, and where we now own a home in California. It’s making for some very exhausting trips. We have just arrived back to our house literally minutes ago as I write this now. All the driving has to do with job possibilities, interviews and the like. When we first quit, our initial instinct was to go right back. It was still home, where our family was, where we felt emotionally comforted. But every time we go back up there we have a different reaction, and remember all the reasons we wanted to leave in the first place. We’ve come to a place where neither one feels right.
Its all been very confusing trying to figure out what we want as we flip flop back and forth from one idea to another, jumping in, and then realizing it doesn’t feel right. We’ve had several job interviews, have more on the horizon. But there is something missing beyond that. We are looking for a sense of belonging, an adventure perhaps. Something that doesn’t drain our savings account, and leave us penniless. Maybe Europe? Expats? Maybe back to the grindstone and security?
We are waiting for the right path to open up. It’s out there.
We’ve had some real ups and downs through all this, and I wish I had stayed more faithful to writing. I am sure I would have faired the weather better if I had, instead I withdrew and stopped. I still have a slew of half written posts, plus notes for many more, some from before we moved at all, still sitting around waiting to be realized. Not to mention all the prompts I had intended on participating in, but missed.
But, of course, there is always tomorrow…
Our D/s has been a life saver through it all. It has also been a stress measure. When we sense the other one pulling from their role, or perhaps pushing into it differently, we each know it is because of a particular level of stress, depression, anxiety, or even relief at the situation. On the flip side, it has actually been really rewarding. I feel us drawing closer together as we become more cognizant and truthful with our emotions in this. Not that we ever lied, but there is a truthfulness in admitting (especially to yourself) how you really feel about something, and then being okay with that emotion.
I wish I had something sexier to say, but I’m tired, and just wanted to say something.
Until next time. Maybe then I’ll have a path. Or maybe tomorrow, I’ll wake up a writing machine. Who knows? This last trip has left us feeling clearer, more present and like ourselves. I think we’ve recovered from the shock of it all, and can finally see the light of day, and are able to make conscious decisions.