In a World Where D/s is the Goal…

Master and I recently had a really great goal-setting discussion. Actually, we’ve had a lot of really great discussions lately. Not only that, but our D/s has been growing exponentially in many ways, leaving me feeling really well cared for and important to him. A good dose of humiliation and submissiveness does a little minnie good. 🙂 I’d like to take credit, but the change has really come from Him. He has really stepped up his game. His personality and desires have come out more, and I can feel it and see it his power and control over me. It’s been really nice, and I let him know it. He told me he’s been making a conscious effort to be more present, more in the moment. Well, it is certainly working. *big grin!*

One of the really great conversations we had was about the goals we had for our D/s dynamic. I am definitely a ‘list’ person. I am also a person of action. That means, as soon as I decide I am going to do something, I do it. Immediately. This is why I don’t do New Year’s resolutions or bucket lists. Why wait, I ask. If I already know I want to do something, why not go ahead and do it? Immediately. A traditional goal-setting session is a lot like making a New Year’s Resolution. There’s a list of things to accomplish, a deadline, and sometimes actionable steps to accomplish something bigger.

There’s pros and cons to this method. Pro; a conscious effort is made to accomplish something you want, and you feel in control. Con; it can create an air of over-inflated importance on something meant to be light and fun, turning fun into pressure. Pro; There’s a timeline and actionable steps that can keep you on track, and encourage success. Con; life can and naturally will get in the way, stopping you from meeting goals by the prescribed timeline, which can turn into a feeling of failure. Pro; stating and knowing what you want can create clarity and focus in your desires. Con; feelings of insecurity or failure over goals can lead to abandoning the list all together. Pro; resources and time can be focused into exactly what you want. Con; lists tend to lean toward a single event happening, not a change or consistency in action that is ongoing.

What we did, however, was very different. We looked at our dynamic from a very specific angle. It broke us away from the usual course, let us keep the pros, and drop the cons.

It started with creating a picture of our ‘ideal.’ We asked, What would our dynamic look like, if everything was exactly perfect? This might seem like more pressure, but in fact, it was the opposite. Because we both knew it was an ideal – a romanticized version of our life – there was no pressure to be as perfect as we said. In the back of our minds was the reality that we didn’t actually have to be as perfect as we said, nor that we expected perfection from our partner. We knew that our reality would be slightly different, more human. There was also no exact timeline, just the future. This took the pressure off by eliminating the possibility of failure. Instead, our reality stayed on the horizon, a place to constantly strive for. Creating a vague picture of perfection also left our goal as a moving dot, something that could grow and change as our desires changed, or as life moved. If a specific action didn’t happen by a specific time, that was okay, because we’re looking at a bigger picture here, a whole life and relationship together.

In this model, there was no need to criticize or defend what we were or weren’t doing already, because this was something to build towards, not a reflection or judgement on the present. It deleted the space usually allowed for failure, judgement, or defensiveness, because you are simply stating what you would want, … should the world be perfect.

The conversation ran more like a what-would-do-if-you-won-the-lotto, then a New Year’s Resolution. However, it did still carry an air of realism. We didn’t say anything that was totally impossible, like … flying. We also found out that everything each of us wanted aligned with what the other wanted, or was something the other was willing to work towards or accommodate for.

It was really freeing because we could each talk about what we wanted, without putting implications on the other. It was just a drawing of an ideal, a course to steer toward. Our fears were washed away, and our confidences boosted.

The ideal dynamic we drew up isn’t something I plan to, or could easily share here. (At least not right now.) However, the strategy is worth trying, and what I really wanted to share. And so, I invite you, dear readers, to try this technique when you next tackle a major life changing course. See if you can take the pressure off by drawing an ideal of what you want, and use that ideal as a blinking beacon in the distance, rather than a hard milestone.

Happy chatting to you!

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