An after-school special to reduce shame.

The amazing thing about kink, and being in this community, is that we all had to fight to get here. We all have a kinky journey of self acceptance and love. You know the story, it was the one where you had an inner beast to overcome. First you didn’t understand or accept your own feelings. You yearned for approval from others – possibly someone important to you, but also from society. Then you had to build up your inner bravery, seek approval and live with the outcome. Everyone had to get over their own shame to be here. And we did.

No two people’s story will sound the same. Some will be fraught with more self loathing, some with less societal approval. Some will lose loved ones and gain new ones. Some stories are shorter than others. Some took years, even decades. Some people are still in the middle of their story, stuck at the high end of the arc in the darkest night of the soul, waiting for things to get better.

But they will get better.

The best thing about all our stories is the ending. The one where we are a better person, a happier person. Someone who has learned that they are okay just the way they are, and that even though it’s not mainstream or in common media sources, that’s okay. Just having that knowledge makes us smile from the inside out. It’s a secret little power we hold inside, and can call on when we need extra strength.

The reason it is a strength is because we had to overcome someone else’s judgements and definitions for us, what they decided was okay. They made a judgement, an opinion call on us that deemed us unworthy of acceptance in some small way. They took their idea of what was good and right and healthy, fueled it by their own fears and shame and criticisms, and placed it upon us. It is somewhat evil, and yet a common human behavior.

The worst thing about this common human behavior is that even the people who have been through the trenches, no matter how deep, do it back to other people. I see it in the kink and BDSM community all the time. Yet, it’s the last place you expect to see it. I’m sure you’ve seen it before, someone turning their nose up an a kink they aren’t into. You know the ones with those body fluids no one wants to discuss. Or the ones that look more violent like consensual non-consent (cnc), or fear play. But judgments happen at all levels of commonality; being little for example, or not being kinky enough. How many times have you heard people mock 50 Shades? The BDSM community is full of the judgments we had to get over in order to be here.

I know, it’s sad. ;(

Here’s why you won’t hear that from me. When you ‘yuk’ something, you have limited yourself and created a personal barrier of shame. Not everything will be for everyone. And that’s okay. Things that aren’t for you, or you aren’t ready for, belong on your red, hard limit list. Just do it with a loving acceptance that someone else needs that level of kink for good reasons, even if it isn’t for you. When we create shame for others, we have inadvertently created shame for ourselves. We place ourselves back into the trenches we fought so hard to get through, and diminished our own power.

So there’s my kinky after-school special for today, and the reason why you’ll never hear me say that someone’s kink is gross.

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