Can a submissive train a Master?

This is a real question I have.

No, I’m not talking about topping from the bottom. Nor am I talking about my dynamic specifically.

It might be more accurate phrased differently. Especially since I can hear your knee-jerk reaction. I heard mine. Hit the table, knee still hurts… But seriously, if you know anything about a power-exchange relationship at all, then the question screams hypocrisy in your face. The Masters train the submissives. Period.

But hear me out before you spout.

It is extremely common for those longing to be submissive, or to live on the right side of the slash in a power-exchange relationship, to invite their spouse to be their Dom or Master. Sometimes, that spouse or partner is vanilla. I am one of those people. A little over a year ago I asked my (vanilla-ish) husband to be my Dom. He didn’t have any idea what I was talking about. Finding resources was a breeze. There are TONS of very similar couples living the lifestyle and advising others on how to do it. And almost always it is the submissive one doing the inviting. Google a simple question – any simple question – about getting into the lifestyle, and you will find a wide selection of ideas and opinions with everything from 13-step-youtube-videos to articles found in common grocery store magazines.

Many of the resources have a slightly different spin, some are more focused on training, some on the power-exchange, some on specific kinks, or just sex. My question is more specific, referring to a full-time power-exchange relationship.

But, you’re right, the phrasing is wrong. Let me try again.

Can the right side of the slash make the left side into a better left side?

Can the submissive teach the Master? Can they guide the Master?

Can a submissive effectively lead a relationship into a power-exchange?

These aren’t right either, because I am not talking about the supportive implication. I know as a wife I can teach my husband to be better at his role, just like a person can learn to be a better parent from their child while parenting. It happens by just being in the relationship. But…

Can a submissive teach a Dom how to Dominate?

Can a Dom learn their role from a submissive?

Or does a Dom need to learn from another Dom? Or just somewhere else in general? If a submissive tries to fulfill that role, is that akin to being the problem and the solution – an oxymoron?

When you look through the information out there, it seems like people are doing it… maybe. But is it real? Doesn’t it ultimately fall on the Dom to figure it out on their own? Don’t they have to pick it up? Is it not – in fact – breaking the power exchange if they don’t? … *whispers* Is it actually topping from the bottom?

This is something I’m wondering.

And I wish there was no pandemic, so we wouldn’t have to do social distancing, and I could go to a munch, and talk to real people, and have a real conversation about this real question I have, and the many nuances that exist around it.

xoxo ~ minnie

8 thoughts on “Can a submissive train a Master?

  1. Short answer, yes. But maybe not in the way you think and you may have to change your mindset on some things along the way, too. 🙂

    1. Thanks for the comment! I’m wondering about the broader idea of it. Not as it applies to me, or anyone specific for that matter. Just thinking about the idea of it…

      1. I think it can be done for those who lie on the more pragmatic side of things, not the emotional.
        It isn’t for the faint of heart and it certainly gets confusing but, I think it can be done and have actually seen it done myself.
        Many however do end up giving up on the idea if what they are searching for is more of a fantasy type relationship instead of the more everyday, boring to-do list, stuff.
        Just like every relationship, it’s not for everyone and one size does not fit all.

      2. I definitely agree that those who are in looking for the fantasy side find themselves disappointed. Or maybe they learn that a temporary power exchange is more fitting for them.
        I see sexual submissives teaching their Doms successfully. I think that happens salty frequency and more ease.
        I don’t know if the aspects of leadership and the day to day domination, the rest of it isn’t necessarily sexualized, can come from the bottom.

      3. My personal experience has been yes. 😉
        But like I said, it’s nothing I’ve seen written out, so likely not the way you (as in people) would expect.

  2. You’ve got a good point about sexual D/s dynamics being easier to teach. Sexual parts tend to be more skill based. I’m a firm believer that the traits are either part of you or they aren’t. They can be fostered and invited, but they can’t be taught. i’m more experienced than my husband in the world of BDSM and bring information to the relationship. The biggest way that i’ve encouraged Him to be more dominant is to delve deeper into my submission and draw the control and leadership out of Him through His own desire to respond.

    1. That’s a great way to think about it
      There are so many different opinions. There’s a really long and almost heated discussion on quora (I think).
      Sexual power exchange is also somewhat of an unlocking, I think. I think a lot of people have fantasies that they think are taboo. once they realize they are okay and normal, not some crazed deviant, they let loose.
      They’re also something to be said for the practice of exploring.

      1. My sexuality was an unlocking partially through exploration and the freedom to do so with someone who was open to letting me find myself. In the process of that exploration we had such different kinks that we didn’t match at all. LOL At the end of the day, sexuality is totally personal and can’t really be categorized, IMO. Opinions are just that. 🙂

        You brought up a fun topic that i’ve thought of writing about before but i’m pretty opinionated at times. LOL Yes, i’m aware. 🙂

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