Two Topics I don’t Want to Write About

30 Days of D/s by Loving BDSM and Kayla Lords

The next two topics given by 30 Days are probably the reason I haven’t been moving forward in completing these topics; topic 25) When a D/s Relationship ends, and topic 26) Is 24/7 Right for You?.

I do have good reasons though, … sort of.

My first excuse is that neither are experiences I have any experience with. Doing D/s in a part-time mode was not something I – or we – ever considered. I have heard of plenty of very successful relationships that have been part-time, but that isn’t us. We were married for 20 years before transforming our relationship into a power-exchange, and we do everything full of passion and fury that demands our whole self. D/s is no different. We could not do it if is wasn’t full time.

When I look at the other topic, a relationship ending, I know the only way it could happen would be through death. We are committed beyond our D/s. When we started this power-exchange, we specifically stated our marriage came first. It just so happens that power exchange has made it stronger. So in that, I know the only way this relationship would end would be through death. However, the thought grips me with deep fear.

Even before D/s, it was a fear that I let hold me too tightly at times. I should say, there is no great threat of death in either of us, that is we are both relatively healthy people. It doesn’t matter to me. It never has. Accidents happen all the time. People get sick out of no where. They have strokes, get diabetes and condemn them selves to a chair, they get fatal illnesses or cancer. Ever possible death rambled through my head, everything somewhat logical, and some that weren’t. There were times in the past were my fear of him dying became so overwhelming I very literally held him at an emotional distance because I was afraid I wouldn’t survive if he left me.

I still remember the day I realized what I was doing.

I was standing on the corner of the sidewalk, behind my place of work. I hung up the phone with a huff and scowled at him from miles away. I was mad, but didn’t know why. I wanted to fell close to him, and I did under it all, but felt myself move away from it too. I thought of him driving home, and wondered again ‘what if he didn’t make it’. It was a ramble that ran through my head frequently, but that day I answered it. My answer was to grasp today, the day before he didn’t return home, and live it to its fullest. That’s when I started fighting my own fear. My only fear.

And I keep fighting it.

~XOXO minnie

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