We have four kids and 4 grandkids, so the next 30 days topic on being kinky and being a parent is definitely something I had to think about. When we started our power-exchange how to behave around our kids was something I thought about all the time. I had a lot of worries and fears, but not about the actual kinky stuff. I was worried about our dynamic showing around them in the practical everyday stuff.
I was worried about little things like my emotional need to sit at my Master’s feet in the evening. Or following his orders, or calling him Master in front of them. My daily collar being too common, or, worse yet, me feeling or acting little in front of them. I wasn’t doing anything indecent, I was just really worried they would ask me about it. I knew I was changing, and I didn’t want to explain to them why. I also didn’t want to have a situation like submissy, where her daughter knew The Story of O and asked about her collar. Yikes!
But that isn’t the hard part of being a parent. The real juggling act is flipping between the many different roles you have to take on as a parent, a working person, and a submissive, moving in and out of each headspace. It sometimes leaves you feeling very vanilla when you get back to your Dom. It is like flipping a switch when you have to rewire every time you turn off the lights.
On top of that, there’s the whole side effect of being around the kids in the first place. Talk about a mood killer! Responsibility is the actual antagonist of having a libido, and (especially in the beginning) our D/s wasn’t that far separated from our kink. For a third layer of complication, I really wanted to be myself. I didn’t want to hide, and put myself behind a closed door, layering on a fake mask and denying myself the further growth into my role. I wanted to be free and open in my submission, while being my former, known self for the vanilla world.
So, with my Master’s help and guidance, I found my way around and through the whole situation, and am happy to say I can slide back and forth quite easily now. To get here, there were a few conscious efforts I made, and we made.
In the beginning, I took it slow, showing small things of my new self here and there. I started with sitting at my Master’s feet in the living room. I still remember the first time, being super nervous. I kept an excuse ready to tell my teenage boys if they asked. But they never did. From that, I moved to doing some acts of service and calling him Sir in front of them. (Confession; I have accidentally called him Master a few times, and still do sometimes, but the kids seem to convince themselves they misheard me – which I would totally confirm if they asked. 😛 ) I made vanilla explanations about my collar, though mine are (mostly) unassuming, and no one has pushed back.
Our relationship dynamics changed also, which is something I specifically afraid of, knowing most of my family (especially my kids) think of me as someone who couldn’t possibly be submissive. It was also a change I wanted to expose and bring out to the open. And again I made conscious little steps. For example, once I said I was going to get in trouble if I didn’t change my tone, and my adult daughter laughed, “Is that even possible?” Uh. Yes. Very possible. I shrugged and laughed it off. I made a couple other comments since, and she has too. They now go unnoticed, as do the changes in our dynamic.
Eventually, I worked in my little energy around them. This took a bit more courage on my part, and came about much more slowly, encouraged by my Master. Now, my sons at home sometimes see my little side, though they are not aware, and certainly don’t know her like my Master does. By ‘see’ I mean things like some of little minnie’s likes, or they might hear me giggle, or maybe wear pigtails. Nothing more. Mostly, they see me happy, and somewhat child-like in that joy, that’s all. I do have to say, they have begun to embrace my little side, showing me pink, cute things to try and entice me into getting what they want.
There have been things Master and I have done along the way to make the transitions happen easier in both of us also. For example, we built in little routines and procedures to set the mood and headspace back to D/s when we came home from work or a family day. But none of them really stuck. We tried having an arrival home routine at the rug, which worked well when we did it, but ultimately was too demanding on our day. We shortened it to kneeling for a minute, but even that got dropped after a while. When I had a commute, I listened to BDSM podcasts on the way home, which helped. But I rarely have a commute. It was the same with calling each other. This also helped, but I think the biggest help was a conversation we had.
Last winter, we worked on a list of goals for how we wanted to be in the future as a D/s couple. Transitioning back and forth smoothly was close to the top of that list for both of us. I think saying it outloud, and being conscious of that goal in both of us was actually the biggest help. In reality though, time and practice has been the key. It simply gets easier to move back and forth the more you do it.