I’ve been dealing with lots of health issues caused by stress since this school year started, and I went back to work. The most recent of which is an extremely tight jaw.
If you haven’t heard of this, it’s root is in TMJ and is brought on by clenching or grinding your teeth. It’s amazingly common, though I’d never heard of it until I woke up one morning and could no longer open my mouth any more then it took to talk.
For the following month, while I waited to see a doctor, all I could eat was what I could rip into small enough pieces that I could shove into my mouth and swallow without chewing. Mostly muffins, which I supplemented with protein shakes from Costco.
It took two months before I could get into physical therapy, where the therapist stuck his thumb in my mouth to push and rank down on my jaw hard enough to force it back open. After a few visits, an incredible amount of headaches, I got to a 1 finger opening width and then eventually 2. I’m still not at the normal width of 3 fingers, and it’s been four months.
This means lots of kinks are off the table, including gagging and blow jobs.
Dominance through oral play – especially cumming down my throat – was a big part of our dynamic. Master loved to have me slobber all over his cock as he sat casually in his chair watching. He made me beg for it, and thank his cock after cumming down my throat.
Now it seems like a distant memory.
This isn’t the only physical sign of stress I’ve been dealing with, it’s just the newest. For this reason, we’ve decided to make major life changes. Beyond moving, beyond a new job. We’ve sold our house and are opening the door to me not working at all, or to me taking time off to train for a new career.
I haven’t not worked in a very, very long time. It’s been a part of who I am, and what I do. It’s been my power, my source of personal strength, my assertation to the world that I am capable of overcoming whatever crap it throws at me. I’m good at my job, and excelled into leadership quickly. I’m also tired of my health and well-being bring so easily sacrificed by those around me without a care.
A few months ago, I found myself daydreaming what it would be like to stay home. I dreamed of the 50s housewife world, where I could serve my Master, honor his work in our household. I read other blogs where the submissive slave stays home and does just that. It’s sounds wonderful, and I shared these dreams with my Master. When I wasn’t serving him, I could write, do art, seek myself. I miss my creative side.
Before I started my career and education, some 20 years ago and in another life now long gone, I was a stay-at-home mom. It wasn’t good for me. My two oldest kids were babies, I was barely, or maybe not at all, an adult. My husband at the time was horrible and emotionally abusive. I hated everything about that life, and was reborn when I left it and married my Master. However, thinking about not working, thinking about staying home full-time, instantly brings me back to that place in my life. It scares me.
Once, when I was in college, it was spring break and I was home without a plan for a week. My 2 youngest children (now nearly adults themselves) were babies then. I instantly shot back to that horrible time in my life, and totally fell apart, questioning the very meaning of my existence. Now, I laugh quite hard to think of the idea that 5 days without a plan broke me. Silly. I snapped out of it instantly when I realized I had classes that started in a another couple of days. Oh lord, I laugh still. It was so ridiculous how hard I fell.
None the less, the fantasy exists. The fantasy of having more time to myself, to explore a little. To relax. To feel throughout owned without distraction from that.
Regardless of all that, it is clear that staying in my current career is bad for me. Master and I are currently making and acting on a new plan, though it isn’t seeded yet. It’s really too wild for me right now, since we sold our house, quit my job, and I don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing with myself right now. But we’ve talked, and are working on a new plan. I trust his leadership in helping me find a meaningful path forward. As I’ve told him many times, he’s the only one I know capable of putting my interests first – myself included.