I’ve felt really separated from my submission lately. More than that, I’ve felt separated from our power-exchange all together. (Master knows, and we’ve been talking about it. He’s riding this boat with me.) That is part of the reason why we’re starting anew, writing everything over again. Tomorrow we leave for a weekend excursion to our favorite getaway. We’ve spent so much kinky time there, it is our first connection with the place. I use to recommend it to my family, but I can’t anymore. I only have one thing on my mind when we go there. The last thing I want to do, is have my family there, or run into them.
We’ve negotiated a therapy spanking and punishment scene to take place as soon as we get there. I am hoping it will clear the air between us, clear my mind. I’ve been carrying so much stress lately, I sleep in a tight little ball. I can’t open my jaw from clenching, and have been going to physical therapy for it. I also pulled the tendons in my right wrist, and am having body and joint pain everywhere. On top of that, I’ve been sick since the beginning of October. It’s just the tension. If I could relax, let go of the stress, I think it would all go away. Master is working toward letting me stay home – i.e. not work outside the house anymore. Well, I am working toward it, he is there. We already sold our house, and I quit my job. We are stable, and most of the practical details are settled. Everything but my mind. I am having a really hard time letting go, relaxing into the idea of it, the freedom of it.
I’ve always fancied myself an artist; both visual and literary. I’ve always dreamed of a time where I could stay home and pursue those things, explore what I could do – Exactly what he is offering me. Right now though, I’m wound so tight I don’t think I could draw a stick person without breaking the pencil.
Just a rant.