Putting it all on the back burner.

Our D/s has been on a major hold lately. No, I wish it was on the back burner, simply on hold. It’s actually non-existent.

We are not currently 24/7 D/s.

It started last spring. Mr.R took a job that made sense when it was distant, but when things moved back to being in person he had a 90 minute commute each way. His time was stretched thin to say the least. Plus other obligations and life stresses. It wasn’t helped by me being at the beginning of a major career change, working on multiple major portfolio submissions for a couple months.

It’s been weird. To not be submissive, I mean. All the life changes feel normal. I mean different, but new starts are normal for us. We make major life changes every few years (though we are getting sick of it). But I haven’t been out of a submissive headspace for so long, I don’t really remember my vanilla self very well. Mostly, I don’t remember how to be be married and vanilla. We still have kink and such, of course, but even that feels awkward because everything played around our rules before. It’s like we don’t know who each other is anymore.

I don’t know what will happen in the future. Sometimes I think this is just a slump caused by the extraordinary commute he has had, snowballed out of control. Other times I don’t. Sometimes I’m not sure that he wants the same things as me when it comes to D/s.

The way it feel apart was really rough on me. Really, really rough. There wasn’t a fight, or any kind of blow up. There wasn’t a negotiation or notice of any kind. He just quit. It was gradual at first, but slowly took over everything until nothing was left. He stopped collaring me at first, got annoyed if I waited for it, stopped appreciating my acts of submission. He intentionally pushed me away.

Before this, we were probably in the best place ever. At least in my opinion. He had designed a new ritual, all on his own accord. One of our best ever, I think. He wrote a new mantra to go with it. He was really devoted and into our D/s in a major way. But that was last winter.

I’ve gone though lots of different phases over the past several months going through this. Looking back I can easily see where I have been trying to hold onto this piece or that, hoping something would stay while simultaneously weaning myself off it.

We have talked through it so many times. Too many times probably. And I don’t feel like the conversations have really gone anywhere. It just seems like everything is always so focused on him, why he left, what he’s gone through. His guilt over it all stops us from getting anywhere productive. He apologized, of course. But apologies don’t create forward motion, they just button up the past. And that’s really all we’ve talked about. At all. I’m so exhausted on starting all the conversations, not just the last few months, but the last few years. I just can’t start any more. Not because I don’t want to, but because I think me starting all the conversations was a major problem. He has such a tendency to always say yes, even when he doesn’t mean it, that him not saying anything has become my new sign that we may be done forever. If he can’t take the initiative, then maybe he doesn’t want it wholely. Maybe he was just agreeing to what he thought I wanted.

More recently, I’ve moved into some kind of dead space, emotionally speaking. I think I’ve just come to accept this is who we are now. Or maybe who we aren’t. Being D/s changed me so much, it changed who I was at the core. Coming out of it has changed me also. Now, I just have to figure out who I am again.

Hence, my dead space.

For me, being his submissive gave me and my life such meaning. It made me feel beautiful and purposeful and valued. It gave me an incredible amount of energy for life – all of life, way beyond us and D/s. And now it’s gone and I have to find new ways to feel those things.

At least for now.

16 thoughts on “Putting it all on the back burner.

  1. Oh, minnie….my heart is hurting for you, my friend. I am sorry that things are in this state for you, I truly am. I don’t feel quite like myself either when my husband and I’s DD goes away. Hopefully this is just the result of all the life changes, and not a complete lack of desire on his part to continue the lifestyle. I know that being the Dom is a lot of mental work, and perhaps he just doesn’t have that kind of energy right now (if he is throwing his mind at his new career). I am thinking of you, and wishing nothing but the best for you <3

    1. Thanks so much. It’s nice to be able to talk to people who understand. I don’t have any “in-person”people who do. Lol. Never thought that describing people like that would be normal. Ha ha ha.
      I’m sure it’s just the stress and changes. Thanks so much for the positive words! ❤️

      1. I hear you. I do have one “real” friend who I can talk about this stuff with, but it does make it hard when there is stuff in your life you can’t vent about with your peeps. XOXO

      2. It really does. All my friends and family are totally vanilla, and all the local munches got shit down during the pandemic, or went virtual. Throw in a move, and I’m isolated as a submissive.

  2. Sorry that D/s is not a part of your life. Before we were D/s my Sir had a similar commute, it took a lot out of him. He had to give up doing things he enjoyed because of the long days..I would recommend not discussing D/s any more for quite a while. You have both gained skills during that time. You will probably never be plain vanilla again, now is the time to move forward embrace your new flavor. Take the good parts of yourself and continue growing. Just because something was added to your relationship because of D/s dose not mean it can’t fit in a vanilla relationship. Keep in mind there is no one perfect way to have a great relationship. Wisking you luck and patience sorting
    out the new you and the new us.

    1. Commutes are so horrible. Ugh. I had one like that myself many years ago when our boys were little. I quit that job after a couple months and swore off commuting forever. For 6 years I had a commute that way literally 5 minutes -if I walked. Ha!
      These changes are definitely influenced by that, and all will pass and calm down in time.
      Thanks for your well wishes!

  3. I feel you on all of this. Where ours didn’t die because of work or commute, health got in the way, and I have also stopped the conversations, and am just accepting that it’s over. I look back on a beautiful time we had, and I will always be submissive – it’s my nature – but for now his health (and consequently my mental health) is much more important than our D/s. I’m trying not to think of all of this too much, and just taking it one day at a time.
    ~ Marie xox

    1. Yeah, sometimes other things are just more important. I look back on it with a great amount of beauty and appreciation. In some ways things stay with you from D/s and make you stronger as a couple, but in other ways they fade and stay as part of D/s only. It’s a hard place to be in, knowing that’s something better if only…
      One day at a time. XOXO

  4. I’m sorry to know that your D/s is on the back burner and appreciate the loss that you must be feeling. But can certainly sympathize with your Dom too in the situation you’ve described. For 9 years I worked 90 miles from home and commuted 1.5 hours each way. That added up to a minimum of 12 hours away from home daily. Add a little decompress time for transition and unwinding and I didn’t have much left in me for other things I wanted to do. We weren’t in a D/s relationship at the time but if we had been I no doubt would have struggled holding up my end of the bargain. Doming takes a lot of energy as I now know. I’m just glad to know that you’re able to keep the kink going at whatever level you can. Keep the faith. There are ebbs and flows in everything, even D/s.

    1. Yes, exactly. That kind of a commute is just exhausting. We had also gotten pretty intense, almost high protocol all the time. So it was even more demanding.
      I can’t believe you kept up that commute for 9 years. I couldn’t have done it!
      Doming does take a lot of energy. There’s so much to think about considering the mental and emotional play and impact of everything on all parties. I’m sure it will come back some day in some form. Thanks so much for your support.

      1. I’ve spent several hours reading most of your posts the last couple of days and been inspired by them. It’s obvious that you’ve taken your D/s to an extremely happy place and that must make the loss most grievous. I hope you can find it within you to keep blogging and by that kindle the fires for yourself and your Dom. He needs your help right now.

      2. That’s a great idea! I love blogging, but have shied away from it the last few months during this transition. It may be time to get back at, perhaps write more about the kink or other aspects.
        I’m glad you’ve enjoyed it!

  5. That is a real shame. I hope he comes back to you soon or you find another way to submit. Life without it is hard.

    1. Thanks PLJ. It is hard. Different for sure. It well all work out as our schedule changes with the fall season, and work levels out. ❤️

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