Our D/s has been on a major hold lately. No, I wish it was on the back burner, simply on hold. It’s actually non-existent.
We are not currently 24/7 D/s.
It started last spring. Mr.R took a job that made sense when it was distant, but when things moved back to being in person he had a 90 minute commute each way. His time was stretched thin to say the least. Plus other obligations and life stresses. It wasn’t helped by me being at the beginning of a major career change, working on multiple major portfolio submissions for a couple months.
It’s been weird. To not be submissive, I mean. All the life changes feel normal. I mean different, but new starts are normal for us. We make major life changes every few years (though we are getting sick of it). But I haven’t been out of a submissive headspace for so long, I don’t really remember my vanilla self very well. Mostly, I don’t remember how to be be married and vanilla. We still have kink and such, of course, but even that feels awkward because everything played around our rules before. It’s like we don’t know who each other is anymore.
I don’t know what will happen in the future. Sometimes I think this is just a slump caused by the extraordinary commute he has had, snowballed out of control. Other times I don’t. Sometimes I’m not sure that he wants the same things as me when it comes to D/s.
The way it feel apart was really rough on me. Really, really rough. There wasn’t a fight, or any kind of blow up. There wasn’t a negotiation or notice of any kind. He just quit. It was gradual at first, but slowly took over everything until nothing was left. He stopped collaring me at first, got annoyed if I waited for it, stopped appreciating my acts of submission. He intentionally pushed me away.
Before this, we were probably in the best place ever. At least in my opinion. He had designed a new ritual, all on his own accord. One of our best ever, I think. He wrote a new mantra to go with it. He was really devoted and into our D/s in a major way. But that was last winter.
I’ve gone though lots of different phases over the past several months going through this. Looking back I can easily see where I have been trying to hold onto this piece or that, hoping something would stay while simultaneously weaning myself off it.
We have talked through it so many times. Too many times probably. And I don’t feel like the conversations have really gone anywhere. It just seems like everything is always so focused on him, why he left, what he’s gone through. His guilt over it all stops us from getting anywhere productive. He apologized, of course. But apologies don’t create forward motion, they just button up the past. And that’s really all we’ve talked about. At all. I’m so exhausted on starting all the conversations, not just the last few months, but the last few years. I just can’t start any more. Not because I don’t want to, but because I think me starting all the conversations was a major problem. He has such a tendency to always say yes, even when he doesn’t mean it, that him not saying anything has become my new sign that we may be done forever. If he can’t take the initiative, then maybe he doesn’t want it wholely. Maybe he was just agreeing to what he thought I wanted.
More recently, I’ve moved into some kind of dead space, emotionally speaking. I think I’ve just come to accept this is who we are now. Or maybe who we aren’t. Being D/s changed me so much, it changed who I was at the core. Coming out of it has changed me also. Now, I just have to figure out who I am again.
Hence, my dead space.
For me, being his submissive gave me and my life such meaning. It made me feel beautiful and purposeful and valued. It gave me an incredible amount of energy for life – all of life, way beyond us and D/s. And now it’s gone and I have to find new ways to feel those things.
At least for now.